Y’ALL!!!!
My heart weeps for this poor soul.
I wonder why no one wants to have sex with him.
if someone tries to neg you
kill them
Brilliant as always. This has to be xkcd, even though it’s not tagged.
Also, I didn’t know there was an actual “negging” web page up there. So I hit up that link and had to leave my two cents, as well.
Pretty sure there was a Criminal Minds episode about guys like this.
Sounds like someone needs to visit this site, read this cartoon, and STFU. Yes, catcalling and yelling vulgarity at strangers IS harassment. If women aren’t approaching you as often as you’d like, maybe it’s because your behavior is so wildly inappropriate and unpleasant.
Gross. And here he is!
Now That’s What I Call Privilege! featuring top 40 hits such as:
- Not All Men Are Bad
- Why Can’t White People Use the N-Word Too?
- Your Pronouns are too Hard to Remember so I’m Just Going to Call You “She” Instead
- Why Don’t We Have a Straight Pride Parade?
- You Shouldn’t Dress “Slutty” if you Don’t Want Men to Hit on You
- Calling Me “Cis” is Offensive to Me as a Cis Person (I Don’t Know What “Cisgender” Even Means)
- But Who Will Think of the Men
AND MANY MORE!!!!!
NOW INCLUDING
- What about the white people?
- Why should we be forced to be inclusive?
- My movement isn’t bigoted!
- What’s wrong with white cis men being the face of mental illness?
AND DON’T FORGET THE CLASSICS SUCH AS
- But we’re not ALL like that!
- I’m not supporting you anymore because you’re so mean to me.
AND YOUR ALL-TIME FAVOURITES,
- The Ballad of the Friendzone
- Being An Ally Practically Makes Me Queer
- I Don’t See Colour (And Neither Should You)
- Why must you label me (I’m post-sexuality) ?
- We All Live In A Post-Racial Submarine
AND OUR CHART TOPPING TRACKS,
- I’m a Nice Guy (It’s why You Should Date Me)
- Be Nicer To Me (Tone Policing is Fake)
- Appropriation Appreciation
- Radical Feminism (Not exclusive to anyone)
- I have a Black Friend
- Oppression Olympics
BONUS TRACK!
- It’s Really All Your Fault!
FEATURING THE SMASH HITS,
- Why Can’t You Take a Joke?
- Calling Me Racist is Racism
- I Don’t Hate Jews (But Zionists Control Everything)
- Here’s a List of Bigger Problems You Should Focus On Instead
- It’s Just the Internet
- Martin Luther King Would Hate You (But I’ve Never Read His Speeches)
- Stop Hating on Hitler (Genocidal Tyrants Have Feelings Too)
- Hollywood Should Cast Based on Talent, Not Race (But Why the Fuck Is That Character Black?)
- Why Are You Blaming Me for What My Ancestors Did?
- I Don’t Think I’m X-ist, Therefore I Am Not (Cogito Ergo Suck)
SECRET TRACKS:
- Everyone Deserves Religious Freedom (Except the Muslims)
- Special Snowflake Waltz
IF YOU CALL RIGHT NOW YOU’LL RECEIVE ALL OF THIS PLUS AN EXTRA CD WITH CLASSIC TRACKS SUCH AS:
- You’re Just As Bad As They Are (For Pointing Out What They’re Doing And Why It’s Racist)
- I Thought Liberals Were Supposed to Be Tolerant (Of Racists Like Me)
- A Black Person Was Once Mean To Me
- Jokes Can’t Be Racist
- I’m Just Honoring Your Culture
- A Woman Boss Was Mean To Me
- There Are Just Biological Differences Between (my group) And (group I hate), So My Actions Are Justified
- Zelda: Hey I just met you
- Zelda: And this is crazy
- Zelda: But I need you to save all of Hyrule
- Zelda: And I'm not even gonna bang you.
- Link: That's completely fine, because I'm actually a decent human being who doesn't expect sex from a woman in exchange for my kindness.
- Link: Did I ever mention that our fandom is sexist as fuck and that these "friendzoning" jokes aren't funny in the slightest?
- Link: Because it 's true
vampishly: We need to talk about the Friendzone
How is this even a thing? I’m a dude. I get it. Girls can be scary. They look just like humans, but they make Weird Things happen in your pants-area. It must be magic. They are the Gargamels to your dick’s whatever-Smurf-your-dick-is.
(Sidenote: the makers of The Smurfs meant for each Smurf to represent a different kind of dick. There are 99 dick archetypes. Mine’s Vanity Smurf because it’s so god damned beautiful. Yours might be Baby Smurf because it’s so tiny or Fakir Smurf because it’s racist as hell.)
Actually, none of that is true. Girls are normal humans, and I’m pretty sure Smurfs aren’t dicks, though the hats are suspicious. The problem is that when you see a girl your body goes all Breaking Bad and starts manufacturing chemicals that Jack You Up. That’s scary. I know. I overdosed on PCP once.
Before I launch into this I need to say that if you’re a high school kid, and you’re getting “friend zoned,” I do not blame you for being an idiot. You’re going through a lot of bullshit right now, and your body is more like season 4 of Breaking Bad where for a grown man it’s more like season 1 or 2. But read this article and become wiser than your fellow dweebs. Stop fearing girls as capricious and devastating forces of nature and start seeing them as people who are EXACTLY LIKE YOU except with different pants-parts and, in many cases, different shirt-parts.
If you’re a grown man (read: 19 or older, and I’m cutting the 18 year olds a fucking break here) and you get “friendzoned,” then the following words are for you, Friendzone.
Stop it. How is this even happening? What are the events that are occurring? This is what I imagine:
You become attracted to a woman.
You are friendly to that woman in the hopes she will show you her vagina.
She mistakes your friendliness for friendliness and befriends you, neglecting to show you her vagina.
You act like a butthurt little asswipe, forever placing yourself firmly outside of the circle on the Venn diagram of dudes she will ever show her vagina to.
You complain about it on the internet, and 1000 other maladjusted bro-dudes go, “I know that feel,” and you are validated in your misogyny.
We’ll call that Scenario 1 because there is a second scenario I imagine where “friendzoning” may occur. We will refer to this as Scenario B. (Did that throw you off, Friendzone? Keep on your toes. I am the ninja master in your training regimen to stop being a douche bag.)
You become attracted to a woman.
You befriend her in a passive-aggressive, it’s-us-against-the-world kind of way.
She tolerates that because she’s too nice to tell you, “fuck off, you creep.”
She dates an actual interesting guy with an actual personality.
They break up, and she hurts.
You offer your shoulder to cry on.
She cries on your shoulder.
She dates another interesting guy.
You go, “What the fuck? You cried on my shoulder! Show me your vagina!”
She reacts something like, “I thought we were friends, you creepy-ass, fucking creep!”
You tell the internet you’ve been friendzoned.
The internet validates your misogyny.
So, what’s wrong? You’re a nice guy, right? Why aren’t theses Stupid Whores showing you their vaginas? Probably because you’re too nice. You should be a douche bag like that guy she dated who had interests besides pretending to be her friend while simultaneously trying to eye-laser her pants off. Well, good news: you ARE a douche bag!
Consider something for me. Imagine that I, an incredibly good-looking, nice, eligible man, was walking into a shop ahead of you. As I reach the door I stop to look behind me, and I see you there only a few paces away. So I wait and hold the door. Maybe you say something like, “Thanks, bro. That was really nice.”
To which I respond, “Yeah, it was. Now you know what you have to do, right?” And I take my dick out.
Would that be uncomfortable for you? Would it be unpleasant for you to live in a world where, if a man was nice to you, it meant he expected you to pleasure him sexually? Guess what! That’s uncomfortable for women, too. Isn’t that weird? It’s almost like they’re the same kind of person you are. WEIRD!
No, actually. It’s not weird. It turns out they are the same kind of person you are, and having unwanted dicks around is as horrifying to them as it is to you. So, stop. Stop it with your unwanted dick.
Here’s the hard truth, Friendzone. You’re not a nice guy. You are a gutless, pathetic, sad, horny little worm who’s too afraid of rejection to just tell a woman how you really feel. Your anger when she doesn’t psychically glean your unspoken desires and automatically reciprocate them is actually just you externalizing the disgust you feel for your own cowardice. You think pretending to be friends with a woman will get her to have sex with you because women are sex-objects to you. You can’t imagine a non-sexual friendship with a woman being rewarding in any way because you don’t think of them as whole, real people. It doesn’t occur to her to date you either because your pandering comes of as unchallenging and uninteresting or because your creepiness is obvious and unnerving.
How can you stop being such a douche bag? Well, I suggest forming a friendship with a woman. You’re going to need to find one who can put up with a lot of bullshit, because that’s all you’ve really got to offer at this early stage. A good indicator is if she’s been married a long time or has raised children. Invest time and energy in this relationship WITHOUT thinking about your constant loneliness-boner. Once you have internalized the knowledge that your new friend has thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, AND breasts, take a look around you. Look at the world. Look at all of the people with breasts. Those people are just like her, just like your friend. They, too, have thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams. Even the ones you want to fuck. Isn’t the world magical?
Here’s my last advice, Friendzone. People, men and women both, are complex, emotional creatures, and virtually all of them are horny. If you’re honest with yourself and honest with them you will form trusting, open connections with a large network of humans. Those people are called friends. You will be in many friend zones. You will be a better person. Someone will fuck you. Trust me.
I really wanted to believe the Smurf = dicks thing.
“So, stop. Stop it with your unwanted dick.” <- I laughed really hard at that part but all-around this was an absolutely brilliant piece. I think most guys would really benefit from reading this and accepting reality.
In pop culture, girls who crush hopelessly on guys they can’t have are painted as just that – hopeless. Over and over again, we’re taught that girls who openly express sexual or romantic interest in guys who don’t want them are pitiable, stalkerish, desperate, crazy bitches. More often than not, they’re also portrayed as ugly – whether physically, emotionally or both – in order to further establish their undesirability as an objective fact. Both narratively and, as a consequence, in real life, men are given free reign to snub, abuse, mislead and talk down to such women: we’re raised to believe that female desire is unseemly, so that any consequent shaming is therefore deserved. There is no female-equivalent Friend Zone terminology because, in the language of our culture, a man’s romantic choices are considered sacrosanct and inviolable. If a girl has been told no, then she has only herself to blame for anything that happens next – but if a woman says no, then she must not really mean it. Or, if she does, she shouldn’t: the rejected man is a universally sympathetic figure, and everyone from moviegoers to platonic onlookers will scream at her to just give him a chance, as though her rejection must always be unfounded rather than based on the fact that he had a chance, and blew it. And even then, give him another one! The pathos of Single Nice Guys can only be eased by pity-sex with unwilling women that blossoms into romance!
6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person →
I needed this article today.
Yes to all.
Inside, you have great compassion for poor people. Great. Does that result in you doing anything about it? Do you hear about some terrible tragedy in your community and say, “Oh, those poor children. Let them know that they are in my thoughts”? Because fuck you if so — find out what they need and help provide it
.
This actually happened.
- Me: Oh man, Nice Guys (TM) are the worst.
- Man: OMG HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? I'M NOT LIKE THAT!
- Me: Wasn't talking to you, but okay.
- Man: NOT ALL MEN ARE BAD.
- Me: I never said they were.
- Man: LET ME TELL YOU WHAT SEXISM IS LIKE!
- Me: Dude, I would never presume to go to, say, a person of color and try to school them on what racism is like to me. That's low.
- Man: BUT I'M A WHITE STRAIGHT DUDE AND PEOPLE ARE RACIST AND SEXIST TOWARDS ME! WHAT ABOUT MY PAIN?
- Me: Oh wow, we're so done.
Without entirely dismissing Fogg’s concern that some young men’s rage or despair could be worsened as a result of NGOKC, there’s a lot more to the site than mockery. What’s on offer isn’t just an opportunity to snort derisively at the socially awkward; it’s a chance to talk about the very real problem of male sexual entitlement. The great unifying theme of the curated profiles is indignation. These are young men who were told that if they were nice, then, as Laurie Penny puts it, they feel that women “must be obliged to have sex with them.” The subtext of virtually all of their profiles, the mournful and the bilious alike, is that these young men feel cheated. Raised to believe in a perverse social/sexual contract that promised access to women’s bodies in exchange for rote expressions of kindness, these boys have at least begun to learn that there is no Magic Sex Fairy. And while they’re still hopeful enough to put up a dating profile in the first place, the Nice Guys sabotage their chances of ever getting laid with their inability to conceal their own aggrieved self-righteousness.
Nice Guys of OkCupid provides an excellent opportunity to reiterate a basic truth: there is no right to have sex. (Except, of course, with one’s own self.) Generations of children have misunderstood Thomas Jefferson’s line that we have the inalienable right to the pursuit of happiness. I was one such kid; when I learned those words in fourth grade (in 1976, the bicentennial year), I marched home and told my mother that I was owed joy. Mama firmly set me straight on the distinction between the right to want the right to be given. Nice Guys need a similar sort of come-to-Jesus talk to disabuse them, once and for all, of their insistence that in a just and democratic society, hot young pussy ought to be distributed equally to every Tom, Harry, and Dick who demonstrates a minimal level of civility.
I AM CRYING
I thought it couldn’t get worse than “I need somewhere warm to place my genitals” and I was wrong.
ZING.
“I need somewhere warm to place my genitals.”
In pop culture, girls who crush hopelessly on guys they can’t have are painted as just that – hopeless. Over and over again, we’re taught that girls who openly express sexual or romantic interest in guys who don’t want them are pitiable, stalkerish, desperate, crazy bitches. More often than not, they’re also portrayed as ugly – whether physically, emotionally or both – in order to further establish their undesirability as an objective fact. Both narratively and, as a consequence, in real life, men are given free reign to snub, abuse, mislead and talk down to such women: we’re raised to believe that female desire is unseemly, so that any consequent shaming is therefore deserved. There is no female-equivalent Friend Zone terminology because, in the language of our culture, a man’s romantic choices are considered sacrosanct and inviolable. If a girl has been told no, then she has only herself to blame for anything that happens next – but if a woman says no, then she must not really mean it. Or, if she does, she shouldn’t: the rejected man is a universally sympathetic figure, and everyone from moviegoers to platonic onlookers will scream at her to just give him a chance, as though her rejection must always be unfounded rather than based on the fact that he had a chance, and blew it. And even then, give him another one! The pathos of Single Nice Guys can only be eased by pity-sex with unwilling women that blossoms into romance!
- the actual moral of 500 Days of Summer: you shouldn't use the fact that you think you're a nice guy as an excuse to project your fantasies onto women who don't return your feelings. If she says she doesn't want a relationship, then listen and accept this.
- what most dudes take from 500 Days of Summer: any woman who doesn't want to date me is a bitch. It's a fact; they even made a movie about it.
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